Blog Image

I always felt like I was the problem. Even before I was addicted. It was like I was flawed in some major way that probably couldn’t be fixed. Early recovery feels a lot like that. The guilt, remorse, and shame that comes with being a newly sober alcoholic and addict is fucking unbearable. Facing my family after all I’ve put them through is still stressing me out. I love them so much and I know the things I’ve done make them think I don’t. My therapist tells me that all this guilt and shame is dangerous for me because it doesn’t define my true self, that the things I did in the pursuit of drugs and alcohol are not who I really am. It’s important to remember that. I honestly don’t know what I would do if it weren’t for the staff and the other clients here. There’s a couple clients here that don’t seem to want to get clean and sober, but everyone else is really cool. The guys support each other. I could never have put together 6 days without a drink or some dope back home in Maryland. I laughed today – and I mean really laughed hard- for the first time in years. On top of that I wasn’t high. Wtf! The fact that I laughed without being on drugs is a miracle! I’m starting to see feel some hope. I think I’ll give it another shot tomorrow. I hear Byron is doing group tomorrow. His groups are epic. I’ve always sat in rehabs and counted the time til it was over. Never learning anything. Never being interested in how to get better and change my life and guess what? I always relapsed. I’ve never been so interested in my own recovery. I’m actually doing what my sponsor suggests. I’m all over the place. Goodnight